If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Great. There go our Oreos.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.