@BrosefWtheMosef If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
@darinlovesbacon Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
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@BrosefWtheMosef 
@Cornjerker78 Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
@pharmasean DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
@StarWarsProblms Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
@liljonlovitz [commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
@wittwitbarista My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
@SaddestTiger eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
@lucyjamesgames Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
@XplodingUnicorn Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
@OneFunnyMummy I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.