Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
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“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.