Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
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Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Jurassic park gets weird
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring