Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
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I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim