some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
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If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”