Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
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Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
need him
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.