Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
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WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Never go to sleep after making me angry
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.