@mxmclain

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

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@TheBoydP

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

@PrisonCookies

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

@TheToddWilliams

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

@Amanisnotadoor

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

@LoveNLunchmeat

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

@Shade510

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

@LindaInDisguise

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

@nevernicethings

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

@Chhapiness

Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*