Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
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I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”