@markedly MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
@peterjames48 “SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
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@markedly 
@50NerdsofGrey ‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
@Resister4u Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
@david8hughes [mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
@iAmDelFreaky Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
@rebrafsim A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
@maryfairybobrry Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
@KevinHBell o shit
@clindsaysway Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
@noog 80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”