Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
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Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.