“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
You Might Also Like
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along