@peterjames48

“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.

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@BobTheSuit

Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

@asaltiercorpse

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

@patsatweetin

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

@LloBrow

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

@Cheeseboy22

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

@lazerdoov

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

@samalmightysam

Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?

@permawedgie

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

@noog

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.