Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
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In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”