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if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
who wore it better?
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*