Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
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maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?