Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
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I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?