Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny