Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
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Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
so this horse walks into a bar
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
This is my brand.