Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
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WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Hit me in the face with a bird
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.