Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
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Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
me linking you to my twitter
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.