Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
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“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.