Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
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[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Miscakes
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store