Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
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Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.