Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
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In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
so, is there a mister shapen head
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation