“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
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[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat