Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
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7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?