Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
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Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
ready to be harvested
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance