Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
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LMAO.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
thinking about a very short hotdog
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver