Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
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I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Customer is always right
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I’ve had worse
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?