Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
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Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do