Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
You Might Also Like
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Please do it!
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish