Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
You Might Also Like
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Oh. My. God.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…