Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
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Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”