Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
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i hope my email finds you on fire
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Wikigenius