Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
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Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
just left a huge legacy in there
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you