Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
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I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Every house has this drawer
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.