*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
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She puts the hot in psychotic
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired