@KenJennings

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

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@Marilyn_Brando

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

@BlindChow

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

@sploosk

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

@TheTimeIGotHigh

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

@samalmightysam

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

@TuSoonShakur

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

@Prero22

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

@snowmedia

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

@Stellacopter

For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”

@Shade510

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.