Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
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I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.