Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
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Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
<—- homeless romantic
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’