Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
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“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself