someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
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I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
How about daylight saves us for once
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”