Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
You Might Also Like
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.