[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
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A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
My wife gives the best headache.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…