Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
You Might Also Like
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.