Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…

One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*

OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

(life flashing before my eyes)

paramedics: why is he cringing?

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.