“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
You Might Also Like
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻‍♀️
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!