“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
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Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Google Pay be like:
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.