@leyawn

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

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@SCbchbum

My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”

@jollyrobber

Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

@LindaInDisguise

My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”

@70Ceeks

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

@emmafreud

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

@MarfSalvador

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

@PhilLaysheO

My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.

@buck4itt

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

@JasonLastname

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.