someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

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My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”


Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies


My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”


hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins


This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.


[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”


My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.


They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.


Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.