Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
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My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Godspeed, John Glenn
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?