Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
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In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
this could fix me
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.