Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
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i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Finally, an instrument I can play!
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.