Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood
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Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”