Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
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Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Meowchelangelo
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.