Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
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ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?