Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
You Might Also Like
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.