*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
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[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
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I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
doing some research
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.